When Compliments Hurt You!
Posted: August 29, 2023
When Compliments Hurt You!
In the book Mindset, Dr. Carol Dweck shares a lifetime of research that she has conducted which gives some major insights into what creates the difference in people’s ability to grow their potential. In more cases than at first thought, high achievers are not the naturally gifted, they are the people that have grinded it out, stayed the course listened to feedback and adjusted their approach on their way to accomplishment in their chosen discipline.
Contract this Growth Mindset with what Dr. Dweck calls a Fixed Mindset. It is a person’s reluctance to accept feedback as they infer that if they are given feedback it is a sign that they are not good enough. As irrational as it is I think with honest reflection you may find that in some areas you have a growth mindset while in other areas a fixed mindset is present.
It was quite interesting to learn some of the contributing factors that without realizing may contribute to this. For example, if as a child, you were told by your parent repeatedly, “you are the Best” they may actually be harming the growth mindset of the child. How can compliments stunt a growth mindset? Well as it turns out, it comes from what a parent chooses to compliment. In the example given of a parent just making the blanket statement of, “you're the best” how does a child then feel when they strike out in baseball, miss the shot in basketball or get a “C” on their math test? They become quite protective of their, “best” status to the point that some children (and adults) will shut down, make excuses, fake a lack of interest or choose not to participate rather than risking the feeling of being exposed that they don’t know something or aren’t really the best as they have been told.
So what is a parent, a friend, or work colleague to do if saying something like this can hamper progress? As it turns out, changing the compliment from, “ you're the best” to “you are a hard worker” will encourage forward progress without the feeling of loss of position as in the example of simply, “You’re the best”.
I think the work also has some very powerful ramifications when it comes to listening to our own self-talk and expectations of our own performance. By focusing on process, listening for feedback and giving yourself credit for making small improves you take the social or self imposed pressure off yourself so you can enjoy growth. You remind yourself the only way to get better is through the repetition of trying your best and making course corrections based on experienced feedback.
Listening for feedback is one of 12 Pillars that helps you realize your full potential. The “greats” in any discipline leave us clues as to how they got to their level of excellence. Model their enjoyment of feedback and challenge not just the finished product of their work and you too can tap into the limitless power within you.